Date: 09/28/16

While all the athletes that showed up had spent years in training and strengthening for this event, only a select few could walk away with a medal and Adidas. Despite the allegations of performance enhancing drugs playing a factor in this years games, all finalists have now been tested, all showing positive signs for performance diminishing drugs. When interviewed on the issue, games official Chad Kishman recounted, "I was an ofishal at a skate event? That wood explain the refferie youniform and blow horn I was wearing when I woke up in a pile of my own piss."

The first annual Clemente games has set a precedent for what's to come in the following years. With an average BAC of 2.3 the majority of the attendees are not so certain what sort of athleticism is actually involved in skateboarding. "I'm not really sure what I'm watching right now. If it's supposed to be a skateboard competition, I thought there would be more skateboarding, but it's more like a college frat party for a bunch of juiced up jabroni's," stated White Cloud local Brad S. when asked what he thought about the recent event. Though the format may have broken the written standard for Olympic events, we feel the event captured the spirit of the flame and kept it burning, then used that flame to light up and get lifted.

Several pairs of Adidas, sub par hot dogs, and angry disputes later, the official results have been released and can be viewed below. Thanks to Adidas and all that came to make the first official Olympic skate competition a truly spirited one, and especially the clown. Who the fuck was that clown?


Pole Vaulting (Best Trick Pole Jam) :

1st - Ben Patrick

2nd - Ben Patrick

3rd- Ben Patrick


Long Jump :

1st - Ben Patrick

2nd - Nelson Solivan

3rd- Nick Hartman


200 Meter Sprint (Mongo) :

1st - Braydon Kavanagh

2nd - Simon Brom

3rd- Everybody else was disqualified for not pushing mongo.


Curling (Best 2 Ledge Tricks No Push) :

1st - Brian Hoffer

2nd - Matt Eggebeen

3rd- RayJay Adams


Shot Put (Board Toss) :

1st - Ryan Maike

2nd - Ryan Maike threw that shit twice as far as everybody.

3rd - RayJay Adams


MVP : Chadbob Kishman